SHE

I remember the first time I thought I saw you
It was dawn and I was driving through the desert listening to Mary Magdalene on the cassette player
You skated across my vision like an oasis
Locz swinging right to left
Then you stopped
Just to the left of my focus
I felt you there
I haven't stopped feeling you...right there
Just out of minds reach
A breath too far to breathe
I played that song for a month straight
Hoping it would bring you back to me
Everyday retracing my steps
Finding longer roads to drive
Getting lost in mountain ranges
I crossed the continent 3 times over
Zigzagging in and out of people and places
....searching
I named you SHE...
That was the first time I put you on paper
The lines on the page couldn't contain you
And you leaked onto random coffee napkins, envelopes, and matchbook covers
I'd sit in the middle of my bed with you strewn about me
Wondering
Speaking only loud enough for the pillows and walls to hear
And you laid there
Across my sheets
Your edges embedding into the fabric
As if you belonged
I arranged you next to me
A collage of letters
Formed into a mosaic that would remain faceless for 15 cycles around the sun
I tried to love you into bodies that could only maintain pieces of you
But never long enough
Like a heart or lungs not compatible with bodies that housed them
Eventually you broke free of the bonds I kept trying to place upon you
And I was left with a pieceless puzzle
An empty vessel that deteriorated before my eyes
Until I broke free again to wander from place to place
Searching for the right road
To feel your impression reach into my soul
Defining the contours of me from within
With fingertips that knew me better than my own
And you rolled through me like a tsumani
Pounding me against your promise
Again and again
Each wave stronger than the last
Bending me at the knee
Palms flattened against Mother
Begging for another sign
You became a habit I couldn't shake
Sometimes resigned to ride the high
Till every last trace of you was burned away
I learned how to love you hard and with conviction
Regardless of everyone around me that called you
Fantasy
You see, it only made me love you stronger
And it taught me how to love myself
Unafraid of taunts or ridicule
Because I knew you needed that in me
To hold it together
So I waited...
Until the day you arrived
Not distorted with the shadows of dreams
Or riddled into my surroundings
Everything came together
As the veil fell from your face
SHE
My chest locked with recognition
My tongue, incapable of uttering any other word
And I fell
Into eyes that I've dreamed of seeing
I fell...
For lips I've ached to kiss...to touch with my fingertips
I fell...into you
Could you feel me?
Have you ever felt me?
I've carried you so close
My heartbeat no longer my own
I've written book worthy vigils in your honor
Run out of ink, pages, and hours in a day long before I've run out of words
Immortalized you with only a passing past life memory
It never dawned on me that you wouldn't stay
I never saw the other side of finding you
Didn't realize I had to prepare myself for goodbye
Forever isn't something I thought would hurt
Until today
I dread putting this pen down
Because I know now what it's like to live without you
And I've been living with you for so long
That it's impossible to believe that our story ends here
In this place of almost
We could've been the love story that defied the odds
Designed by universe...
Written in stars that have not yet been discovered
Instead of the here I find myself
I remember the last time I saw you
Locs swinging right then left
The smile that nearly broke your face
And how you kept averting your eyes
As if afraid to look too closely
Or feel too deeply
I apologize if my load of love was too heavy
And that you weren't ready
I apologize if I was just too real
When you were only asking questions
Content with what ifs
Because you are only just beginning to look for me
So I release you
From the expectation you feel
Each time I say your name
SHE
And I pray that this time...
You find me

RAGE 2019